


not even half as pretty

by shrimpheavnnow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Unrequited Love, angst and [porky pig noises] that's all folks !
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:07:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28772079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrimpheavnnow/pseuds/shrimpheavnnow
Summary: Iwa shakes his head, huffing out a soft chuckle. Tooru moves in to fix his tie, and Iwa tilts his head up, letting Tooru do so. "Is it stupid that I'm feeling a little nervous?"Tooru allows himself to take longer than necessary in adjusting Iwa's tie. Allows himself to brush his fingers against Iwa's neck, allows himself to feel the warmth of Iwa's presence; allows himself to pretend he can do this everyday.***Tooru never thought he'd be the best man at Iwa's wedding, but, well -- here they are.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/OC, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 30
Kudos: 145





	not even half as pretty

**Author's Note:**

> sometimes u just gotta make oiks cry :) n then iwa bc he hates seein oiks cry :) 
> 
> ok so first iwaoi fic let's goooooooooooooo . i love these two !!!! they're just so [clenches fist] [inhales sharply]. so obvs i gotta make sure they're hurtin , 
> 
> uhhhh if u didn't get it from the tags this is heavy angst, fellas. there is NO happy ending . if yall wanna be optimistic u can but good luck w that 
> 
> huge, HUGE thanks to my beta [em](https://twitter.com/emsby4), the loml, a fuckin genius, my twin, ilyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
> 
> title DOES come from heather by conan grey bc LMAO WHY NOT ??

It's the fact that Iwa doesn't even ask him before assuming that yes, Tooru  _ will _ be best man. There's nothing else to say to that, really. 

That's who he is. Best man. Best friend. And that's where it ends. 

The bride is beautiful, of course. And Tooru means that not just because she's gorgeous, but because she's such a kind, gentle soul. A balm. A soothing presence. The two make sense in a way Tooru never will.

He wishes he were a better person. That,  _ As long as he's happy _ , is the only thought that goes through him when he sees them together. That he can sincerely say,  _ I'm glad _ . But he isn't a better person — he's terrible. He's jealous. He's petty. He wants so  _ bad _ . 

God, he wants so bad. 

"Nervous?" he asks. __

Iwa shakes his head, huffing out a soft chuckle. Tooru moves in to fix his tie, and Iwa tilts his head up, letting Tooru do so. "Is it stupid that I'm feeling a little nervous?" 

Tooru allows himself to take longer than necessary in adjusting Iwa's tie. Allows himself to brush his fingers against Iwa's neck, allows himself to feel the warmth of Iwa's presence; allows himself to pretend he can do this everyday. 

But reality always needs itself recognized, so Iwa is the first to pull away, grumbling out a small, "Quit fidgeting, you're making me even more nervous." 

Tooru laughs. It only sounds slightly hysterical, he thinks, so he pats himself on the back for that. "Have you considered that  _ I'm  _ nervous? It's my big day, after all. I have to make an enormous speech! You're just getting married." 

Iwa scans his face for a second, and Tooru has to turn away because he's worked too fucking hard in pretending to be okay for Iwa to see it  _ now _ . Or ever. He fidgets with his cuffs, walks to the mirror so he can pretend he's fixing his hair. Pretends he can't see Iwa eyeing him, still. 

"So selfish, Iwa-chan," he says after he thinks he's gotten a handle on himself, grinning at Iwa through the mirror. "Always thinking of yourself." He clucks his tongue, shakes his head. "This is why I'm here." He pauses; turns around and faces Iwa. "You two are perfect. Made for each other," he says, and he swallows hard because it's  _ true _ . It's true. They are. "It's okay to be nervous. But you'll be fine." He reaches out again to adjust Iwa's tie, for an excuse to avoid looking at him. 

"You're right. She's pretty amazing," Iwa says after a beat, and Tooru can't — he  _ can't  _ look up. Because he can hear the fondness, the  _ adoration _ in Iwa's tone; can hear the certainty. The feeling of,  _ This is right _ . Doesn't know if he'll be able to see that right now and survive, when he already feels like he's barely hanging on.

He's been getting himself ready for this day so long. He refuses to let it fall apart now. 

"Of course I'm right, Iwa-chan," Tooru says, and he grits his teeth for a second, a dam against the words threatening to pour out —  _ I love you please love me I love you how can I make you feel the same please please love me  _ — and grins as he steps away. All teeth. "I'm always right." 

Rolling his eyes, Iwa scoffs. "As if. We both know that's not true." Tooru opens his mouth to protest automatically, but Iwa beats him to speaking: "Thank you." His gaze is so soft. So grateful. There's love, but not the kind Tooru craves. He clasps Tooru's shoulder. "If you hold this against me, I swear I'm going to kill you, but your support — it's meant everything. Made it easier. I don't think I would be here, ready to marry her, without you telling me it was the right thing to do." Then he shoves Tooru away gently, smiling. "Don't let it get to your head." 

Tooru's mind blanks. He knows, distantly, that he needs to respond. He needs to respond, and he lets out a laugh, says, "Of course, Iwa-chan." He hopes the grin on his face is convincing. "Of course I'm going to support you." And that's too honest, too raw. "No matter how stupid you are. You were right in this one moment, though." 

Iwa smiles, shakes his head, and Tooru is once again hit with the fact he will never be someone Iwa loves  _ like that _ . 

*** 

It's the first time he's visiting Iwa in California. Years, really, since he's actually been able to touch Iwa, to breathe in his scent. He reigns himself in, though. Keeps it restricted to hugs, to pretending the only reason he's burying his nose in Iwa's hair, his neck, is because of the height difference. 

A couple of years may not be too many, but it's enough for Tooru to realize that it isn't just a crush. Part of him wonders, hopes — but, well, Iwa's straight. It could never go anywhere, even if Tooru did confess. 

He wants to anyway, though. To say how he feels, watch what happens. But it wouldn't be fair to Iwa, would it? 

They're sitting together in Iwa's apartment, Tooru's head in dangerous territory of resting on Iwa's shoulder; his last sense of self-restraint is the only thing holding him back. Tooru's reading, scrolling through his phone, and Iwa's focusing on his textbook. 

But Tooru knows Iwa too well: he's only  _ pretending  _ to focus on it. So he pretends to focus on his phone, too, even as he internally keeps asking  _ what is it what is it what is it _ . 

"So," Iwa finally says, about thirty minutes later. He clears his throat. Avoids meeting Tooru's gaze when Tooru looks at him. "How… " He pauses. "How can you tell if you're into a guy?" 

Tooru's heart stops, and then, with a hitch, doubles in rate. Could this… ? "Why are you asking me, Iwa-chan," he says, smiling. Could Iwa be wanting to confess to Tooru? Could this — this be the answer? A way for Tooru to never have to confess his feelings first? 

"Because, you're, you know." The way Iwa can't meet his gaze shouldn't be as cute as it is. "You're." 

"What? Good about relationships? Observant?" His heart's beating so hard in his chest, a battering ram against his ribs. 

"Jesus Christ, you know what I'm trying to say," Iwa says, scowling. 

"Hmmm." Tooru taps his finger on his chin before looking at Iwa with wide eyes. "No, sorry, Iwa-chan. I'm not a mind reader, you know, though I know I’m just so good at reading people that it might seem that way sometimes." 

"Because you're  _ gay _ , Oikawa," Iwa says, scowl deepening. "God, obviously." 

They've never explicitly talked about it, but that's because they don't really need to. 

"Oh!" Tooru exclaims, raising his eyebrows in faux surprise. " _ That _ . Right. Sure. What do you need to know? Is this about what top and bottom mean — " 

"Oh my  _ god _ , forget I asked," Iwa groans, looking down at his book, brow furrowed. His cheeks are still flushed. 

"Iwa-chan," Tooru says. 

"Go away. I'm not talking to you." 

"Iwa- _ chan _ ," Tooru says, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you just — you couldn't even say the word  _ gay  _ out loud. Was I supposed to let that go?" He pats Iwa on the shoulder. "Come on, tell Oikawa-san what's wrong." 

_ Please, please tell me you feel the same _ , he thinks, trying to hide his hands in the pouch of his hoodie so Iwa can't see the way they're shaking. It's Iwa's hoodie, actually. A little too short and a little too broad but so comfortable.

"It's…" Iwa sighs, shutting the textbook, shoving it aside, and shifting away so he can twist toward Tooru. His mouth is pursed. "I think… I think I might like a guy." 

"Is he handsome? Cute? Tall?" Tooru says, grin widening. 

"Shut up," Iwa says. "You're such a pain in the ass. He's fine. I just — I don't know how I can tell if I just like him because we're in the same class and usually work together, or if I like him because I'm — you know. Attracted to him. Romantically." 

Tooru blinks. Feels his stomach drop down, down,  _ down _ . So it isn't Tooru. Obviously. Of course. "Ah. I see." 

Stupid. Tooru's being so  _ stupid _ . Of course Iwa isn't attracted to him, because Iwa isn't in the business of not being straightforward, of not talking it out. 

"So, you think you might be interested in him romantically? And you're trying to figure it out? What makes you think you are?" 

A selfish, petty part of Tooru wants to tell Iwa that he probably isn't, it doesn't mean anything, because that means Iwa is still straight, still interested only in women. But he can't do that. 

He may be a terrible person, but he isn't  _ that  _ terrible. So he takes a quick breath and shoves his feelings aside, into a convenient little box labelled  _ For Later _ . 

"I just — he's. Nice." Iwa looks like he wants to die, and if Tooru didn't feel his own heart breaking in real time, sound effects and all, he would laugh at the embarrassment. "Just — nice." 

" _ Nice _ ," Tooru says, smirking. "How descriptive." 

"Shut  _ up _ ." 

"Well,  _ I'm  _ nice too," Tooru says, then regrets it immediately, hoping Iwa doesn't read too into it. 

"No, you're terrible," Iwa says, rolling his eyes. 

" _ Mean _ , Iwa-chan," Tooru says, allowing relief to sink through him as he realizes he hasn't fucked up yet. "So mean! I'm here to help you, you know? I'm imparting sage wisdom — " 

"You haven't imparted shit." 

" — and you're making  _ fun  _ of me." Tooru sniffs. His chest aches. "What if I just refuse to give you advice now?" 

"Then  _ don't _ . It was stupid, anyway, I shouldn't have — " 

And Tooru sees that Iwa's actually starting to get upset, and he doesn't want that. Never wants that. "No, no, it's not stupid, Iwa-chan," he says, reaching out to place a hand on Iwa's arm before hesitating; letting it fall down. "It's not. It can — be a lot. Trying to figure it out. The easiest way to figure out whether you're interested in him romantically is think about how you feel about your other friends, and compare it to how you feel about him." 

"But — " Iwa's brow furrows. He looks down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs. "I don't know if I want to kiss him? Isn't that — isn't that necessary? Like — "  He gestures at Tooru. "You're my best friend, and a guy, and I don't wanna kiss you, but I also know I'm not at all romantically attracted to you. For sure. But how do I  _ really  _ know the difference with him?" 

_ Oh _ . 

Oh. Right. 

Of course.  _ For sure _ . 

"Yes, but you don't have to want to kiss someone to be romantically attracted to them," Tooru says, shaking his head, and he's so glad he doesn't sound like he's choking on his own love.  "No, it isn't. You can just be attracted romantically; it doesn't have to mean sexual attraction." 

Iwa's head shoots up, eyebrows climbing up his forehead. "Wait, really?" 

"Yes," Tooru says, nodding, and takes a deep breath — ignores the way how hard it feels to do so, still — and starts explaining. 

It's okay. He'll deal with it later. 

***

"What if she doesn't want to get married anymore?" Iwa blurts out about fifteen minutes later. They're sitting in the hotel room, waiting for the preparations to be completed. Almost ready. "What if I — what if I accidentally pressured her? She's so nice, she might just be going along with this because she knows I want to — " 

Tooru cuts him off. "Iwa-chan. Stop being stupid." He shakes his head. "She may be nice, but she's marrying  _ you _ , so obviously she has to have the ability to be honest. Otherwise you'd be too stupid to even get anywhere with her. Too dense. If she didn't want it, she wouldn't do it." 

"Thanks, Shittykawa," Iwa grumbles, but his shoulders drop. He rolls his neck back, staring up at the ceiling. "Is it stupid that I want this so bad but I'm worried, anyway?" 

"No," Tooru says, swallowing. "No, it isn't. Wanting something so bad is — scary. Because it could go wrong." He looks away, glad Iwa is too busy staring up to see Tooru's face. "But it's worth going through with it anyway. Because it might not." 

Iwa sighs, shutting his eyes. Mutters out, "I just love her so much. Don't want anything to go wrong." 

Tooru has to bite down on a hysterical giggle. God,  _ god _ , he's supposed to be able to do this. 

"It won't, Iwa-chan." 

"And how do you know?" Iwa says, glancing at him. 

"Because I'm always right and I'm saying it won't." 

Iwa smiles at that. Laughs a little. Tooru's heart skips a beat, and he can't help but stare. 

Will he ever be able to move on? 

"Okay," Iwa says, nodding. "Okay, I'm taking your word for it. Better not be wrong." 

Tooru shrugs, smiling wide. "I never am, I just  _ told  _ you." 

"Yeah, yeah. We both know that's not true. I've been there for when you thought microwaving a spoon wouldn't be a bad idea — "

"It wasn't my  _ fault _ , I read somewhere online you  _ could _ , and I was ten!" 

" — or the time when you thought microwaving popcorn for 13 minutes was a good idea — " 

"That also wasn't my  _ fault _ , that was because it looked like 13 on the package, not 3!" 

" — or when — " 

"Stop it, Iwa-chan," Tooru whines, shoving his shoulder. "I was being so  _ nice _ , so  _ smart _ , and all you're going to do is make  _ fun  _ of me? Why does she even love you, you're so  _ mean _ ." 

And Iwa throws his head back and laughs. Says, "Well, you can return the favor when you get married. I get groom immunity." 

_ I don't think I'm ever getting married _ , Tooru thinks as he says, "As if I'm inviting you to my wedding. I'll send you the wedding video later." 

"Oh, I'd be  _ devastated _ ," Iwa drolls, and Tooru pouts at him even as he blinks a little too fast. 

He blinks, and suddenly, he's standing next to the altar. Iwa standing there, fidgeting with his suit. Looking at the doors where Akane will be coming through. 

All Tooru has eyes for, though, is Iwa. Can't help himself from staring. He's got his hands folded in front of him, and he hopes no one notices that. No one notices that he's clenching them together so hard, he can feel his nails leaving indents in his palm. 

All he has is eyes for Iwa, so he sees the moment Iwa spots her coming down the aisle. Not because Tooru checks, but because he sees Iwa's face twist into wonder. Sees the way he's blinking too fast, swallowing. The tremulous smile on his face. The way he huffs a disbelieving laugh, shakes his head. 

It feels like centuries, waiting for her to walk down, smiling at Iwa radiantly. Tooru barely hears the minister have them recite the vows, making it official, until Iwa steps closer. Smiles, brushing some of her hair out of her face. Murmurs something too low for Tooru to hear, and then leans forward and kisses her. 

And that's it, isn't it? 

Iwa is married. He has a wife. 

Tooru feels the way he's starting to breathe too hard. Swallows around the lump growing in his throat. Blinks, trying to stave off the way his eyes are burning. And Makki notices, since he's standing right next to him, and reaches out to hold his elbow. Asks, quietly, "You okay?" 

Tooru nods jerkily. "Just — bathroom. Can you tell Iwa — " 

"I'll cover for you," Makki says, and Tooru sees the pity in his face. Realizes he  _ knows _ . He hiccups out a small laugh, because of course he does. Of  _ course _ . Just what he needs. 

He tries to slip away as inconspicuous as possible. Doesn't see the way Iwa's eyes track him, anyway, and beelines for the bathroom. Gets there and locks himself into the stall, squatting onto the floor as he presses the palms of his hands against his eyes. 

He can't cry. He  _ can't _ . It'll look too obvious. Iwa will be able to tell  _ immediately _ , will know something's wrong. So instead, he lets himself slump against the bathroom stall and keep his head ducked, breathing deeply. Swallowing again, and again, and again, because maybe it'll help it go away, maybe it'll help it  _ stop _ , maybe — 

His next inhale is shuddery. His exhale comes out closer to a sob. 

Fuck.  _ Fuck _ . He can feel the tears springing up in his eyes, and he keeps them open because if he blinks they'll fall and he can't, he  _ can't _ . He can't start, not here. Not now. He just — he has a few more hours. He can make it. 

So he grabs some toilet paper and dabs at his eyes. Lets himself sit there for a bit before squaring his shoulders and standing. Unlocks the stall and walks out, washes his hands, and practices smiling in the mirror until it comes out naturally. 

When he feels like he can pass it off, he steps out. Finds Mattsun standing outside the bathroom, looking over him. "You okay?" he says quietly. 

Tooru smiles wide. "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?" 

"Tooru," Mattsun says, biting his lip. "It's — you can say you — you don't have to do this. You can say you got sick, Makki and I can — " 

" _ No _ ," Tooru snaps. Clenches his jaw. Repeats, softer, "No, I do have to do this." A pause. "When did you find out?" 

Mattsun is silent before he looks down. "High school." 

Tooru blinks, mouth working. "I — that early?" He had barely known  _ himself _ . 

"It was kinda easy," Mattsun says, shrugging, then winces at whatever the look on Tooru's face is. "I didn't mean — " 

"Do you think he knows?" Tooru whispers, eyes widening. God, Iwa can't know. Can't know, he  _ can't  _ know. "Does he — "

"No, no!" Mattsun interrupts, stepping closer. "No, I don't think he knows. He can't. He'd never ask you to do something like — he wouldn't ask this of you if he did." 

Tooru lets out a shaky breath and nods. "Right. Yeah. He — yes." Takes another breath. Smiles. "Thanks for covering for me. I'm going to get back. Have to give a speech, after all." 

He doesn't wait for a response from Mattsun before he's off, straightening his suit jacket, fixing his tie. Hears Mattsun's, " _ Tooru _ ," in the background, but ignores it. Makes it back just in time to see Iwa and Akane mingling with the guests at the reception, smiling. Iwa's arm is around her waist, her hand resting on his chest. They're leaning into each other, trying to be even closer. 

The sight makes Tooru pause in the doorway. God.  _ God _ . 

He puts on his smile and makes his way forward, right to them. Waits for a few as the person in front of him finishes giving them his congratulations, all too aware of Iwa's eyes flickering back to him even as he's talking to them. 

As soon as the person's left, he saunters forward. "Congratulations to the happy couple," he says, throwing his hands out. "You two look perfect." 

But Iwa's frowning. "Where did you go? Is something wrong?" 

_ Is something wrong _ , he thinks, and bites down on his lip to keep himself from laughing. "No, nothing's wrong, I just needed to go to the bathroom and couldn't hold it in anymore." Pouts, says, "Stop judging me." 

Iwa rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. God. Of course even at  _ my  _ wedding you had to make sure the attention was focused on  _ you _ ." 

Tooru makes sure his smile doesn't waver, even as the comment embeds itself into his heart. Even as he thinks about what it would be like if the attention were on him, because  _ he  _ was getting married to Iwa. Even as he thinks about what that would feel like, to be able to look at Iwa, to say,  _ I do _ , to lean in, to kiss. To have Iwa brush his hair out of his face, to have Iwa murmur something indiscernible — would it be  _ I love you _ ? Would it be  _ you look gorgeous _ ? — before moving in. 

His smile doesn't waver, and he says, airily, "Well, I can't help that I'm an attention stealer. It's not my fault people pay attention to me." Iwa scoffs, and Tooru turns his attention to Akane, who's watching him. Eyes sharp. 

He wonders if she knows. 

"But, of course, no one could steal attention from you, my dear Akane," he says, smiling wider. "You look stunning." And she does — absolutely gorgeous. 

"Well, I have to compete with you somehow," she says, teasing, smile warm, and Tooru laughs even as he wants to tell her to  _ shut up _ , because there's no competition, there never was, there never will be. 

"I can safely say you've won," he says. "But, of course, there was never a real competition to begin with when you've always been this beautiful." 

"Quit flirting with my wife," Iwa grumbles, but he's smiling. "Go get your own husband." 

"I've been trying," Tooru says, a little too quick; sees Iwa's brow furrow, so he rectifies with, "but no one can really keep up with me. They're just all so  _ boring _ ." He eyes Iwa, raising his eyebrow. "You would know, considering how many people you dated." 

"I — I didn't — it wasn't — " Iwa splutters, looking at Akane, eyes wide. "It wasn't that many, it was just a few, it was — " 

"Doesn't matter," she says softly, and raises her hand to cup his cheek. Tilts his face down, so they can touch foreheads. "Because you're mine, now, and that's all that matters." 

Tooru doesn't know what expression is on his face as he watches it happen. As he sees Iwa smile so softly, so  _ gently _ ; as he sees Akane move her hand to the nape of Iwa's neck, gently stroking the hair there; as he sees them look into each other's eyes, as if nothing else exists. 

He doesn't know what expression he's wearing, but he knows he needs to get it under control because he feels flayed open. He feels out of control, unhinged. Feels as if he's breaking apart. So he looks down at his phone, says, without looking up, "Ah, have to go get ready for the speech. I'll see you both in a bit," and doesn't wait to get a response. Doesn't expect to get one, anyway, considering how wrapped up they are in each other. 

He remembers watching this happen, again and again and again. Being on the sidelines as he watches Iwa fall for one person after another. 

Never him, though.

*** 

"Can you hear me?" he asks, adjusting the laptop screen. It's late for him, but it's worth it, if he gets to talk to Iwa. 

"Yeah," Iwa says, and then his screen freezes on an especially stupid-looking part, and Tooru giggles. 

"Iwa-chan, you looks so  _ bad _ . You froze," he says through the laughter. 

It takes a few moments before Iwa's scowling at him in real-time, barking, "Shut the fuck up. It's probably your connection." 

Tooru hums, crossing his legs as he leans back against his headboard. Grins as he says, "Sure, sure. Let's go with that." 

"Whatever. Assikawa," Iwa grumbles, and Tooru laughs. 

"It's okay, Iwa-chan, I still — "  _ love you  _ " — consider you my best friend. You just make me look better by comparison." 

"I'm hanging up," Iwa says, voice flat. "I'm hanging up, and you can — " 

" _ No _ ," Tooru whines, leaning forward. "No, I'll stop, don't hang up. Tell me about your week!" 

They generally try to call once a week. It can be hard, considering their schedules — they're both so busy, Iwa with college, Tooru with volleyball. So busy. 

Part of him wonders if they'd stayed together, Iwa could've grown to — 

"Well, classes suck," Iwa starts, running a hand through his hair. He looks tired in a way that makes Tooru frown. "I have finals in two weeks, so I probably won't be able to call next week. Need to keep studying. Fucking hate my professors, as usual." 

Tooru nods. Hesitates only a second before asking, "And what about that cute boy you went on two dates with? How's that going?" Because he needs to know. He needs to  _ know _ . Needs to compare himself to every man Iwa goes out with, figure out where the differences lie, to find a  _ reason _ . 

Iwa sighs. "I mean — he's cute."  _ I'm cute _ , Tooru thinks immediately. "He's nice."  _ I can be nice.  _ "I just — he's. I'm not sure. I can't see us being — comfortable with each other, though. He seems too nervous."  _ I'm comfortable with you. You can be comfortable with me _ . "I don't know if I'm going to agree to another date, especially since it's going to be finals week soon. Just — doesn't seem like it's worth it." Iwa shrugs. "It's okay, though, I'm not torn up about it. He's nice enough. Maybe we can still be friends." 

"Asking to be friends if he's really attracted to you might not be the greatest thing, though," he says. It isn't about himself. It  _ isn't _ . "Might make it harder for him to move on." 

Iwa frowns, looking to the side. "I — how do I figure out if he's really attracted to me? Asking seems like an absolutely awful thing to do." 

"You can ask to be friends, and then notice how he reacts," Tooru says, shrugging. It's a special kind of hell, coaching Iwa through finding his own relationships, but Tooru's ready for the challenge. 

"I — you  _ know  _ I'm not good at reading people like that," Iwa groans, letting his head fall back. "It's hard." 

"Then don't try to be friends. Just cut ties. Do you want to be friends with him?" Tooru says, and he's looking down, fiddling with his sheets. 

"I mean — not really? I just don't want to be a dick. He seems nice," Iwa says. 

"A lot of people are nice, Iwa-chan," Tooru says, rolling his eyes. "Doesn't mean you should befriend all of them." 

"I  _ know _ , it just — feels weird." A pause. "He's the first guy I'm rejecting. I don't know if that — it feels different." 

Tooru bites down on his tongue as he thinks,  _ Second. You rejected me first _ , and instead says, "It doesn't matter. Rejection is rejection, simple as that. You don't owe him any more than anyone else." 

Iwa sighs. "I know, I know. I think I might, actually, be into this girl I met recently?" He eyes Tooru, a small half-smile on his lips. "When did you get this good at advice? They have something special in the water there in Argentina?" 

"I've  _ always  _ been this wise!" Tooru bursts out, because he knows that's what's expected. "It's not  _ my  _ fault you haven't noticed." 

" _ Sure _ ." 

He huffs, and then says, even though he really doesn't want to: "Tell me about this girl." 

Best friend. He can do this much. 

***

It's a speech he's practiced many times. 

He knew he would be giving it. It came with the territory. And he also knows that he can't fuck it up, can't let himself slip up, so he'd spent hours watching himself in the mirror. Making sure his expressions were right. Making sure his expressions were of the  _ Best friend who's ecstatic  _ and not  _ Best friend who's heartbroken _ . Practiced which kind of smiles to give at which parts. 

It doesn't quite prepare him for the moment, though. Because right now, he has Iwa and Akane directly next to him. Giggling amongst each other. Smiling. Hands intertwined. 

It doesn't prepare him for the palpable heartbreak. 

He gets up anyway. Asks for everyone's attention. Says, "It's time for my fantastic speech." 

"Oh, god," he hears Iwa say, and he shoots Iwa a grin. "Better not be embarrassing, Oikawa, or I'm going to bring out the stories I have on  _ you _ ." 

"Not embarrassing!" Tooru says with exaggerated innocence. "Just some fun, cute stories from childhood. Now, if it turns out you were just an embarrassing child, well. That isn't my fault." 

There's a general rumble of laughter from the crowd, and Tooru turns to address his audience. 

"Welcome!" he says, spreading his arms wide. "To the union of the gorgeous, resplendent Akane, and… him." He gestures at Iwa, refusing to make eye contact,  because what if Iwa sees that Tooru thinks he's the most beautiful person he's ever seen. 

"Now, as almost everyone here certainly knows, I've known Iwa-chan since before he could go to the toilet by himself — " 

" _ Oikawa _ ," Iwa hisses. 

" — so I would say I'm a bit of an expert on him. An avid student of the various embarrassments and trials he's gone through his life." He takes a deep breath, and even though the smile is still on his face, his tone turns more serious. "So I know him. I know him, maybe better than I know myself. And I know that he is the kindest, most loyal, most dependable person I've ever met. He brings a new meaning to the word  _ safety _ , and a new meaning to  _ reliable _ . You never have to doubt your place in his life, because he will always tell you. He's a pillar, someone who will always prop you up; someone who will always make sure you're okay. And I am so, so happy for him, because he's found someone who's perfect for him — someone who will not only appreciate that, but someone who will reciprocate." 

He smiles at Akane. Doesn't want to see what kind of expression Iwa has on his face. "I remember when he first met you. He was so worried, so nervous. Kept telling me how much he liked you, how anxious he was he'd mess it up. Hesitated for  _ weeks  _ before I finally convinced him to ask you out because I was so sick of hearing him complain." He takes a quick breath, and keeps looking at Akane. "I'm his best friend. I'm duty-bound to disapprove of anyone who even  _ tries  _ to date him." A general titter. "And I'll be honest, Akane. I tried very, very hard to disapprove of you. You know I did, since you were put through that ordeal. But I couldn't find a single reason. Not one. You complement each other so well, you work together in ways most people dream of." 

"You both bring new meaning to  _ in love _ , because I really haven't seen two people more enamored with each other. I don't have to wish you a happy life together, because I know it will be." He nods at Akane, who's got her hand over her mouth, trying to blink away tears, and he watches her. Realizes that he can't keep going with his original speech, and instead says, "You're the only person who could ever make him happy, and I am grateful for that." He clears his throat as the weight of his own words settles into his stomach. "You're the only person. Trust me, I've been right next to him through his journey for finding the right one, and you're that person. The only one."  _ I've tried _ . "Thank you. I trust you to take care of him. Please do." He blinks, and then accidentally looks over to Iwa's face. 

Iwa, who's looking at him with wide eyes, face paler than usual. Mouth parted. Scanning Tooru's face. Tooru looks away quickly — clears his throat again, blinks rapidly. Raises his glass, and says, "To the new couple. May they never have to worry." 

There's a general murmur of agreement, and Tooru drains his glass of champagne too fast before sitting down. Avoids looking at Iwa. 

His heart is hammering in his chest, because what Iwa's expression looked like was — it looked like  _ realization _ . 

And he can't have that. He can't have Iwa  _ realizing _ . Not — not when he's tried so hard to hide it. Not when he's spent more than half his life hiding it. 

A few words, and suddenly, Iwa realizes? It can't happen. 

He flags down a waiter and downs another glass of champagne, avoiding looking at Iwa. Pretends he can't feel Iwa's gaze on him. Instead turns to his left, to make small talk with Akane's maid of honor — she's cute, witty; lively, receptive. 

Seems intent on flirting with Tooru, though, and Tooru keeps trying to shrug her off. Tries to find a way to say,  _ Oh, I'm gay, and also in love with the groom; I'm not looking for sad heterosexual sex tonight _ , without actually saying it. 

But then he looks up and sees someone from the groom's party eyeing him across the table. Tipping his glass in his direction, smirking a little. 

There's no way to misinterpret that. 

Tooru takes some time to wonder about his next move. His immediate instinct is to say,  _ No _ , but — but maybe — 

Well, he's trying to get over Iwa, isn't he? 

It's one of Iwa's best friends from his American days — some guy named Chase. Cute. Tall. Built.

Doesn't have dark hair, dark eyes; doesn't have tan skin, calloused hands; doesn't have a gruff voice that can turn gentle when needed; doesn't look at Tooru with  _ care _ ; doesn't — 

He isn't Iwa. 

But no one can be. No one is. 

So Tooru throws back another glass of champagne, and smiles back. Tilts his head. 

"Oikawa," he hears Iwa say to his right, and he looks over. He's frowning, assessing Tooru. "Slow down. That's your fourth glass in half an hour." 

"Oh, Iwa- _ chan _ ," Tooru sing-songs. "I'm just having fun! Why shouldn't I? I worked so hard on that speech. Did you like it?" He leans forward, rests his chin in the palm of his hands. "Did you enjoy it? I think I did a pretty good job." 

"It was — " Iwa swallows. "It was okay, I guess. You didn't embarrass yourself completely. Actually, can I — " And Tooru  _ knows  _ he wants to talk about more — can see it in the way Iwa's looking at him, mouth twisted. 

Well, Tooru isn't in the mood to discuss anything. "Sorry, I have to go entertain a guest," he cuts in, smooth and silky, and subtly tilts his head toward Chase. "Show him the sights. He seems  _ very  _ interested in learning about Japan." 

Iwa's mouth twists further. "Tooru — " 

"Bye, Iwa-chan!" he says, smiling wide as he stands up. Wobbling only a little. He really isn't  _ drunk _ , he's just — he's just tired. He's exhausted. Keeping this secret to himself is so hard. "I'll see you in a bit. Or maybe not, hm?" He winks, and Akane giggles, but Iwa doesn't look amused. 

Tooru ignores it. Needs a way to get rid of the way his emotions are clawing at his chest, demanding to burst free; break skin, break him. Needs a way to know that he's still  _ here _ . So he rounds the table, and brushes his hand against Chase's shoulder. Leans a little closer, says, "Am I misinterpreting?" 

Chase looks up at him. Crooked smile in place. He really  _ is  _ cute. Maybe in another life, Tooru could feel something about that.  "Not at all." He stands, and Tooru doesn't bother looking back as he leads him away, out of the room. 

*** 

It isn't a secret that he needs a way to get over Iwa. 

It's something Tooru acknowledges. Accepts.  _ Wants _ . 

Except that's a lie, isn't it. Because a part of him doesn't  _ want  _ to get over Iwa. A part of him wants to stay here. Still hoping, still dreaming; still allowing himself to pretend that it  _ might _ happen, and if it doesn't, well, at least he gets to indulge in tragedy. 

It's stupid. It's so stupid. But every time he thinks about another man laying hands on him, he feels sick. Feels  _ wrong _ . 

He never — he's never wanted anyone else. There's been others he's looked at; others he's eyed, thought to himself,  _ Attractive _ . But never anyone he's wanted. 

Never anyone that's made him even think past Iwa. 

It's harder, of course, considering Argentina certainly isn't as open as  _ UC Irvine _ about gay men, but there are still gay bars here. Still places he can go. Still places he can try and pick up, get dates. 

But none of it seems worth it. None of it seems  _ good _ . None of it — feels  _ right _ . 

He knows, though, the only thing that will feel right is the one thing out of his grasp. 

Iwa has been talking nonstop about the new girl he met — Akane. Some Engineering major. Someone he has time to have lunch with multiple times a week, even though he can  _ barely  _ call Tooru once a week — 

_ Stop it _ , he tells himself, but he really doesn't. He knows this  _ Akane  _ seems sweet, seems nice, but he hates her. He absolutely  _ hates  _ her. Barely refrains from making bitter remarks every time Iwa mentions her. Wants to ask,  _ What's so much better about her than me?  _

Instead, he shuts his mouth. Pretends he doesn't want to die every time Iwa talks about how she did  _ so-and-so _ , how she was  _ so cute _ , how she  _ brought him lunch, that's so thoughtful _ . 

Keeps his thoughts of,  _ I could do that _ , to himself, because he keeps reminding himself — he left. He left Iwa. He created this gap, made it impossible.

They aren't together, and won't be for who knows how long, and it's  _ both  _ of their fault. Still, a part of him resents the fact that Iwa can adapt so easily to Tooru's lack of presence in his life, whereas Tooru still feels that aching hole in his chest, still misses him everyday. 

It's been  _ years _ . Maybe Tooru just isn't meant to get over it. 

But tonight — tonight Iwa told him that he was in love with her. Was in love with Akane. And Tooru just needs to feel something. Something that isn't the numbness creeping in. So he grabs his keys, unheeding of the fact that it's almost twelve, and starts walking. 

The neighborhood he lives in is close to the gay neighborhood — a choice he made on purpose. His teammates don't comment on it, but when they do, he shrugs and smiles; says, "I got a really good deal!" so they won't ask further questions. 

He isn't interested in being out to his team. Not unless they confront him about it. 

So he is lonely. He is lonely, and he craves. He  _ needs _ . For the first time since coming here, he pushes into a gay bar. Lets himself smile and flirt, lets multiple men buy him drinks. Finally decides to go home with one. Lets himself be fucked. Excuses himself right after, pretending it wasn't his first time; pretending it wasn't disappointing, and didn't just hammer home the point that he was  _ alone _ . Pretending it didn't make it worse. 

The bright side, though, is that at least he's feeling something. 

*** 

Chase is hellbent on getting it done quick and fast, and Tooru wouldn't mind, usually, but he needs to make sure his jacket, his shirt aren't ruined. So when Chase keeps crowding him against the wall of the single-person bathroom, he pushes him away a little harder than necessary. Says, smiling, "Slow down. Do you have to be somewhere?" 

Chase blinks at him. "What?" 

"You're trying to devour me. Maybe give me a few seconds to breathe?" 

"Sorry," he says after a beat, frowning. "Just — you seemed like the guy to, well." 

"The kind of guy to what," Tooru asks, smile dropping. "What do I seem like. Please, do tell." 

He fidgets, shrugging. "Just — you're a flirt. You flirt with everyone. Just — you seem like kind of, well." He inhales. "I don't mean this in a bad way, just, like, the kind of guy who's pretty easy." 

Tooru stares at him. Blinks. Lets out a laugh. "Right. Right, that's just who I am." He knows Chase doesn't necessarily mean it in a bad way, considering Tooru is the one who propositioned  _ him _ , but it still — it still hurts.  Because he has only ever wanted one person, has only ever been in love with one person; because he's been with maybe two, three others, and when he was with them, all he could think about was being with Iwa. About finally,  _ finally  _ being able to touch him, in the way he needed; about being able to kiss him softly. All he could think about was the fact that these men would leave him, and he would wake up to a cold bed. 

All he could think about was his own loneliness. 

"I didn't mean it like that," Chase says. "I mean, you propositioned — " 

"Yes, I did," Tooru says, and he slinks forward. Smirks. "So let me make it up to you, hm?" 

Chase looks at him. Bites his lip, and tilts his head. "Are you drunk?" 

"Why?" Tooru says, letting his hand travel down Chase's chest. "Does it matter to you?" 

He pauses. Looks over Tooru's face, and he knows how he looks — flushed, because he can't handle his alcohol. Eyes dilated. Swaying just a little, on his two feet. 

Chase says something in English before he backs Tooru up into the counter. Captures his mouth, kisses him deeply. 

Tooru tries to feel something, anything, but all he can think is,  _ At least he isn't terrible.  _

He allows it to happen, brings up his own hand to rest against Chase's chest. Pull him closer. Pretends to enjoy the way he nips at Tooru's bottom lip, forcing himself to let out a small sound. 

"God, you're gorgeous," Chase says against his mouth, and Tooru tries to suppress the laughter. Yes, he's gorgeous, and that's where it ends. 

"I can be more than that," Tooru says, and he pushes Chase away just a bit. Just enough so he can slide down to his knees, look up at him. 

"Oh,  _ fuck _ ," he breathes, looking down at Tooru as if he's the best thing to have happened to him, but all Tooru can think is,  _ I don't want him to be looking at me like that _ . 

But he can make this good. He can be good. So he unbuckles Chase's pants slowly, letting himself run his tongue across his bottom lip. Someone once told him that was sexy, and it seems to work if the way Chase shuts his eyes and looks up is any indication. 

He's about to pull Chase's pants down when there's someone pounding at the door. A voice yelling, something in — it sounds like English. Tooru wonders what's being said, since he's never much cared to learn English well enough to understand the rapidfire conversation happening. But Chase seems to understand, because he buckles his pants back up, opens the door. 

It's Iwa. 

It's Iwa, and he looks  _ angry _ . 

Tooru forgets that he's still on his knees, focusing instead on how angry Iwa sounds. How he's thrusting his finger into Chase's chest, then gesturing at Tooru, then waving a hand. 

And all at once, shame crashes down onto Tooru. He never — he never wanted Iwa to see him like  _ this _ . On his knees, for another man, because there's only ever been one, there's only ever been  _ one _ , and he can't — 

He tries to swallow rapidly. Breath coming faster. Forces himself to stand. Says, softly, "Iwa-chan." 

And Iwa stops whatever he was saying, looks at Tooru instead. His expression softens. He asks, gentle, "Tooru, what are you doing?" 

The tears pool up in Tooru's eyes. "Well," he tries to get out. "I was about to give Chase a fantastic blowjob." Lets out a wet laugh. "Can't believe you would come and interrupt me on your own wedding day." 

"Tooru, you're drunk." 

"No," Tooru says, shaking his head. "No, I'm not. It's — I didn't have that much. It's — " 

"Do you even want this? Do you even want — him?" Iwa asks. 

And Tooru can't help but laugh. "Do I  _ want  _ him?" He looks at Iwa, and it isn't hard to smile, now, because it's such a  _ ridiculous  _ question. "What do you think, Iwa-chan?" 

Iwa regards him. Eyes scanning his face. Says something in English — sounds a lot like  _ Chase, I think you should leave  _ — and Chase leaves, Iwa locking the door behind him. 

"Careful," Tooru says, clasping his hands behind himself. God, he hates this. He doesn't want to be alone with Iwa right now. "Your wife might get the wrong idea, locking yourself inside a bathroom with another man." 

"Since when?" Iwa asks, voice tight, mouth pinched. "Since when, Oikawa?" 

"Since when, what?" Tooru says, voice wavering. He can't quite look at Iwa. 

"Since  _ when _ ," Iwa says, voice tinged with desperation. "Just — tell me." 

And Tooru forces himself to look up. Pretends his vision isn't blurry. Smiles, and says, "I think it would be easier to ask when I haven't, Iwa-chan. Because it's — " The words barely get past the emotion stuck in his throat.  "It's been always." 

"Goddammit, Tooru," Iwa says, voice hoarse. He runs a hand through his hair, and Tooru wants to chastise him, because it had taken so much time to get it styled right. "God  _ fucking  _ dammit." Iwa turns to the side, breathing out a loud exhale. "Why didn't you — " He swallows, looks back at Tooru. "Why didn't you tell me? This entire time? I've — " And he looks so devastated. He looks broken. Eyes wide. So  _ confused _ . "Why? You let me — do this — I didn't — " 

"Please, I'm sorry," Tooru says, and he doesn't bother stopping the tears at this point. "Please, I'm sorry, please, it's not your fault." He rushes forward, about to reach out, before thinking better of it. "Please, please don't feel bad, don't feel guilty, it's — I just want to be by your side, I just want — "  _ I just want to be near you _ , he can't get out, because the words are broken up by a sob. 

"You — the entire time, I've been — " Iwa breaks off. "I've been talking to you about this, the entire time," Iwa says after taking a few breaths. He doesn't look at Tooru. "I've been discussing all of this, and you — it's been  _ hurting  _ you — " 

"No, it's okay," Tooru rushes to reassure. "No, it's okay, I made the choice — " 

"But I fucking didn't!" Iwa yells, stepping closer to Tooru. "I  _ didn't _ ," he repeats, a broken whisper. "Tooru, you let me do this to you — and I never — " 

"I just." Tooru swallows. He runs a hand through his hair, steps away. Trying to create some space between them. "I just wanted you to be happy." 

"And you think doing this to you would make me happy?" Iwa asks, and he keeps stepping  _ closer _ . "You think I ever wanted to — ever wanted to do  _ anything  _ like this to you?" 

"No," Tooru says, and it's the first time his voice has sounded as steady as it does since this began. He has no problem meeting Iwa's gaze as he says, "No, you wouldn't. You would — I'm not sure what you would do, exactly, if you knew, but I didn't want things to change, because I  _ know  _ you could never love me. And call me selfish, but I would take our friendship over my own honesty, anyday." 

"You can't make that choice for the both of us." 

"Well." Tooru tilts his head to the side. "I did. Years ago. It's a little too late to take it back now." 

Iwa steps back and shakes his head. Looks up at the ceiling, letting out a laugh. "Christ.  _ Christ _ . Even now, you're insufferable." 

"Well, that's probably why you never fell in love with me," Tooru says, smile wide. "We both know I'm terrible and insufferable and — " 

"Shut up. Shut the  _ fuck  _ up," Iwa says. "You're —  _ no _ . You're not. Just because I don't feel the same way doesn't mean — it isn't about — " 

"Let me guess," Tooru says drily. He's glad he's got a bit more of a handle on his emotions now, because he's shoved them aside. "It's not you, it's me?" 

"Tooru — " 

"It's Oikawa, remember?" Tooru cuts in. He takes a deep breath. Shuts his eyes for a second. Opens them. "You have a wife to get back to, Iwa-chan. I have a party to attend. There's nothing more to discuss, here. I made a choice, and you also have to deal with the consequences." He brushes past Iwa, and Iwa lets him do so. Before Tooru exits, though, he says, hushed, "Just, please, please don't cut me out of your life. Please. I — I did all of this so you wouldn't.  _ Please _ ." 

And he opens the door, and walks away from Iwa. 

*** 

"I think I want to marry her." 

The words shouldn't be a surprise, considering how in love Iwa is with Akane, but they still take Tooru by surprise. 

He wants to marry Akane. Right. Of course. It's  _ possible  _ to marry Akane. 

"I just don't know if she wants to marry me," Iwa continues. 

Tooru sits up straighter. "Why wouldn't she?"  _ Is she stupid?  _ he doesn't say. 

"It's — well, it's a big step," Iwa says, biting his lip. Running a hand through his hair. It's rare to see Iwa look this unsure and hesitant. "It's a big step, and we haven't been together for that long, but I — " He looks up at Tooru, genuine. Full of honesty. "I know it's only been a few months, but I really do think she's it. I think she's the love of my life." 

Tooru wishes his first reaction isn't,  _ No, she isn't. She's terrible _ . He wishes his second reaction isn't,  _ You're being delusional.  _ He wishes his third reaction isn't,  _ Why not me?  _

His fourth, though, is: "Are you sure? Like you said, it's a big step. Are you sure she's the love of your life?" 

"Yes," Iwa responds without a second of hesitation, and Tooru thinks to himself,  _ She really is, then.  _ Because Iwa isn't impulsive. He isn't prone to making emotional decisions. He's practical, grounded. 

If he's this quick to answer  _ yes _ , it means that he genuinely believes it. Feels it. It isn't a flight of fancy. 

If Iwa's serious, then it's Tooru's duty as his best friend to support him. 

"Okay," Tooru says, nodding. "Okay. Then let's plan this out." 

*** 

He exits the bathroom, and he pretends he doesn't feel the way he does. Pretends that he doesn't want to curl into his bed and avoid everyone. Instead, he smiles. Makes more small talk. Mingles with the guests. At this point, he's much, much more sober than he would like, but it's probably better if he doesn't do anything to rectify that. So, instead, he takes his seat back next to Akane. Smiles at her. 

"I see it didn't take that long, then," she says, giggling, and it takes Tooru a bit before it clicks that she thinks he's been with Chase this entire time. 

He laughs. "What can I say?" He leans closer, lets himself smirk. "I work fast." 

She giggles louder, obviously tipsy, and gently slaps him on the shoulder. "Oh, you're  _ incorrigible _ . I can see why Hajime always has so many stories about you." 

Tooru's smirk freezes in place. He waits a beat, then another, before his brain comes back online. "I add a certain element of needed  _ excitement  _ to Iwa-chan's life," he says. "It's necessary, considering he's such a  _ bore _ ." 

"Oh, now, he isn't a  _ bore _ ," Akane says. 

Tooru shrugs. "Seems that way to me." 

"Where is he, by the way? Did you see him on the way back? He said he needed to use the bathroom, but it's been an awful long time." 

"I'm sure he's fine," Tooru says, waving his hand. "I'm sure he'll be back soon." He leans in closer, and then says in a conspiratorial whisper, "What  _ we  _ need to discuss right now is who you think is having sex with who in the party. Besides me and Chase, obviously." 

Akane hiccups out a laugh, covering her mouth with her hand. Her face is flushed. She really  _ is  _ cute, dark eyes twinkling with mirth, hair cascading down past her shoulders. "Oh, we  _ couldn't _ ," she says in the tone of those that really, really need just one comment to convince them they  _ could _ . 

"Oh, we  _ can _ . For example," Tooru says, and he points at a random bridesmaid. "I bet she's having sex with… " 

And he keeps her preoccupied until Iwa shows up again. 

Tooru can't help but study him. Can't help but see the way his shoulders are slumped, the way his mouth is turned down into a frown. The way his hair is mussed, the way he won't really look at anyone for longer than a few seconds. 

He looks defeated, and Tooru hates,  _ hates  _ that he's the reason for it. 

"I think I need to go and check on the others," Tooru says loudly, gently shaking out of the grip Akane has on him — at one point, she had latched onto his arm, leaning against it for support — and he notices that Iwa won't even  _ look  _ at him. 

Well. It's only expected. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does. But it feels like an affirmation of everything he'd believed, of everything he'd feared — that the  _ moment _ Iwa knew, it would be over. 

Iwa's too good of a person to just ignore something like this. It would color every behavior, every thought. Encapsulate all their interactions. It would be inescapable. 

Tooru hates himself for fucking it all up. He tries to figure out where he went wrong — which part of his speech had given it away. Maybe he should've gone with something more generic. Started with,  _ The dictionary defines…  _ and went from there, instead of trying to make it more engaging. 

Maybe he shouldn't have mentioned how he knew Akane was the only person who would make Iwa happy. It's probably that, if he's being honest with himself. 

But it couldn't be stopped, really. He couldn't have stopped himself even if he tried, because it was  _ true _ . It was true. Nothing Tooru wished would change that. 

He knows nothing can. 

*** 

"So, you'll be my best man," is how Iwa greets him on their next call, and Tooru blinks at him. 

"What?" Registers the words. "She said yes?" But it doesn't come out excited enough, so he tries again: "She said yes!" 

Iwa is probably too excited to focus on the fact that Tooru is less than enthused. "She did. She said yes. Can you — I still can't — " He laughs, loud. Grins at Tooru. "I'm going to get married. I'm going to get  _ married _ ." Iwa pauses, then, his smile turning into something softer. "And it's all thanks to you." 

Tooru wants to laugh. "Of course it's thanks to me," he says, jutting his chin out. "I'm right, as usual." 

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Iwa says, and Tooru can  _ hear  _ the happiness in his voice. Can see it on his face. 

He laments the fact he's never been able to put it there, not like this. 

"So, did you propose how we planned?" 

"Yeah. Yeah, I did. It — she wasn't expecting it at all. She cried, a little, and that caught me off guard — " Tooru snorts; of course it did, Iwa's so  _ dense  _ sometimes — "but then she told me it was good crying, so it was okay. She really,  _ really  _ liked the ring you helped pick out, so thanks." 

"Of course she did, I have impeccable taste," Tooru says. "When do I get to meet her?" Because this entire time, he hasn't been able to meet her. Knows what she looks like, because of pictures Iwa's shown, but he hasn't been to California in so long. Probably won't be able to go there for even longer. All he knows about her, he knows through Iwa. 

That's a lie. All he knows about her, he knows through Iwa, and Tooru also knows he  _ loathes  _ her. 

"Well, uh. Well." Iwa ruffles the back of his head. "If you want…? She's here right now." 

Tooru's jaw clenches. So now he can't even have the  _ one hour  _ he gets with Iwa to himself. Now he has to share  _ that  _ too. Great. But he smiles wide, and says, "Of course I want! I just asked for it, didn't I?" 

"Okay, hold on a second." Iwa gets up, leaves the frame, and Tooru allows himself to deflate. Shut his eyes, lean his head back. 

_ You knew this was coming. You knew this would happen. Stop acting so surprised.  _

The worst part is that it still feels so  _ fresh  _ every time. Every small thing still gets to him. When will it stop? 

"Hey, I'm — " 

He jerks his head up, opening his eyes, and smiles. God, he feels so tired. 

"You okay?" Iwa asks, frowning. "Have you been overworking yourself again?" 

_ Yes.  _ "No." It's something to focus on. Something to give his attention to. He feels so disconnected, so untethered; practicing until he almost drops is the only thing that helps. He's safe about it, of course — well, as safe as he can be. 

He almost wants to say,  _ Yes, I am. Come and tell me to stop _ , but he shakes his head instead. "No, Iwa-chan, don't worry. I haven't. Where's your bride-to-be, though? Are you hiding her from me? Afraid I'll steal her?" 

"No, she's right here," Iwa says, rolling his eyes. He looks off-screen and says, "C'mon, I want you to meet him," and then Akane is in frame. 

She's pretty. Not  _ delicate _ , by any means, but definitely graceful. Dark brown hair, dark brown eyes. Holds herself with an air of confidence that Tooru can certainly appreciate. 

Tooru  _ can  _ appreciate it. He chooses not to. 

"Ah. Akane. So nice to meet you." He smiles, sharp. "So, what are your intentions with Iwa-chan?" 

"Oh my  _ god _ , Oikawa — " Iwa groans. 

"No, no," Akane interrupts, smiling at Tooru. "That's a very good question. My intentions are to kidnap him and keep him forever. Maybe lock him up, like Rapunzel. Make him grow out his hair so I can visit him every once in a while." 

"Akane, not you  _ too _ ," Iwa says, looking so  _ betrayed  _ it's funny enough Tooru bursts out laughing. 

"Iwa-chan, Iwa-chan, let down your hair," he sing-songs, and then refocuses on Akane. "You don't get to get away without a proper interrogation just because you're funny, though." 

"Wouldn't want it any other way," she says, dipping her head. "I've heard a lot about you, from Hajime. He seems to — " 

"Don't say a  _ word _ ," Iwa interrupts, frowning.

" — care a lot about you," she continues, louder, smirking down at Iwa. "Worries. I know you're important to him." 

"Oh,  _ Iwa-chan _ ," Tooru says, smiling wide even as his insides twist. "You  _ shouldn't  _ have!" 

"Shut up," Iwa says, scowling at him. Then points a finger at Akane. "You, stop talking." 

"No," Tooru and Akane say at the same time , and Iwa looks between the both of them. 

"This was a mistake. I never should have introduced you two to each other." 

"Ignoring Iwa-chan, which is easy to do, really," Tooru says, waving a hand, "why'd you agree to marry him?" 

" _ Oikawa  _ — " 

"Because I love him," Akane says, looking right at Tooru, face devoid of mirth. "And I want to be with him, for as long as he'll have me." 

Tooru can see Iwa blinking, mouth agape, but all he can focus on is Akane. He needs to find something —  _ something  _ — a reason — 

"Are you sure you mean that?" 

Akane and him stare at each other. 

"Absolutely," she says. "I know it isn't ideal meeting the soon-to-be-spouse of your best friend for the first time, but trust me when I say — yes. I mean it." 

"I can't believe you're giving her the  _ shovel talk _ ," Iwa says. "Quit it." 

"No," Tooru says, not bothering to look away from Akane. "I'm not going to." He tilts his head. Assesses her. Sees nothing but truth, nothing but determination. Nods. "Okay, I believe you." A pause, as she seems to let down her guard just a bit. "Doesn't mean I like you, though." 

"Jesus  _ fucking  _ Christ," Iwa hisses. " _ Oikawa  _ — " 

"Feeling's mutual," Akane says, offering him a smile that's almost as sharp as his own. "We both love him, though, so I think we'll have to learn how to get along." 

Tooru hates that he feels  _ respect  _ rising up within him. "I suppose." He really should try to get along with her, though. "Maybe we'll be better prepared for liking each other if we continue talking, instead of Iwa-chan relaying his besotted thoughts of you to me?" 

"Give me your WhatsApp," she says immediately, and then winds her arm around Iwa's neck. Coos, "Besotted, huh?" 

"No," Iwa says. "No, it's — I'm just  _ talking  _ — " 

"Oh, I'm Iwa-chan, and I can't believe Akane looked in my direction today. Isn't that  _ amazing _ ? Oh, I'm Iwa-chan, and I can't believe Akane said  _ hi  _ to me today, isn't she great? I'm Iwa-chan, and I can't believe — " 

" _ Shut up _ ," Iwa says, and Akane laughs, throwing her head back, before leaning down to kiss him on his cheek. 

"Well, I  _ also  _ can't believe you said  _ hi  _ to me today," she teases, and Tooru watches them. Watches how they continue talking to each other, teasing, bantering; watches how they essentially seem to forget he's even here. 

Watches the way they look at each other. 

They really  _ are  _ in love. It shouldn't be a surprise, really. It isn't. But a part of Tooru — 

A part of him had selfishly hoped he wouldn't have to  _ see  _ it like this, but this is his new reality. This is what he's signed up for. 

He's interrupting them, he realizes. They're busy, being together, and there's no real room for Tooru. So he clears his throat. Smiles wide when they both look at him, looking guilty, and says, "I have to get to bed earlier than usual, Iwa-chan, Akane. Practice early tomorrow. I need to hangup now." 

Iwa tilts his head. "But you said you didn't have practice tomorrow?" 

"Coach changed the schedule," he says, shrugging. "You know how it is." 

"Okay," Iwa says after a beat. "Okay, talk to you next week?" 

"Yes! Of course," Tooru says, and he looks at Akane. "Ask Iwa-chan for my number. I'm looking forward to you texting me." 

"So am I," she says, and her smile is warm, bright; genuine. Tooru wonders how long it's been since he's smiled like that. "It was great meeting you." 

"You, too," Tooru says, and he waves. Sing-songs, "Buh-bye!" Waits the appropriate amount for them to reciprocate before he hangs up, letting his smile drop. Immediately turns off his laptop, and sees his own reflection in the black screen. Tired. Resigned. 

_ You don't get to be upset about this _ , he tells himself.  _ You set this up.  _

He starts thinking about how he's going to survive being Iwa's best man. 

*** 

Tooru steps outside. He feels like it's the only thing he can really do, at this point. He walks onto the hotel balcony, and he looks out. It's been long enough that night has settled in, encompassing the city in its embrace. He looks at the twinkling lights of the city, a poor substitute for the stars. Looks up at the sky, sees very little but the moon. 

He wishes he were out in the country-side. Able to look up and pick out the constellations. Thinks back to how he and Iwa used to do that, when they were younger — making up various shapes, various names for nonsensical patterns in the sky. It was mostly Tooru, though. Looking up, and dreaming, and hoping, and deluding himself into believing something might be there when it wasn't. 

Nothing much has changed, it seems. 

He loosens his tie and sighs as he leans against the railing. Allows himself to slump against it; stare, unseeing. 

Wonders how he'll stand in Iwa's life, now that he knows — wonders if he'll be allowed in, allowed to exist as he has before. 

The door behind him opens. He ignores it. Isn't very surprised when he hears Iwa's voice go, hushed: "You should've told me." 

Tooru huffs out a laugh, not looking back. Doesn't flinch when Iwa stands right next to him, his presence so familiar, now, it doesn't make sense to. "I should've done a lot of things." He lets out a long exhale. Sees the north star, shining in the sky, despite the light pollution. "But I didn't." 

"Tooru — " Iwa's voice breaks. "I — never meant — " 

Tooru is tempted to interrupt, but he doesn't. Waits. 

"You know I never meant to — to lead you on, in any way." 

Tooru smiles at that, genuine. Finally looks over at Iwa, who's looking back as if he's been cracked open. "Oh, Iwa-chan, you would never willingly lead someone on. Certainly not me. And you didn't, even unintentionally." He shrugs. Looks back out at the city. "It really is my fault. Mine, and mine alone." Says, quieter, "It's my own burden to bear, not yours." 

"It's  _ ours _ ," Iwa says, "we've always — our problems — " 

"No." Tooru shakes his head. Even now, even  _ now _ , of course Iwa's trying to comfort him, but it isn't comfort. Kindness is a cruelty right now. "No, Iwa-chan." He looks at Iwa, sees his glassy eyes. Pretends his own aren't as well. Voice like steel, says, "No, it's  _ mine _ . This isn't your problem. This isn't your fault. You need to stop feeling guilty." Then, softer, "Please don't blame yourself." 

"But I hate seeing you like this," Iwa says. "I hate — because I — " He clicks his mouth shut. 

"Love me?" Tooru guesses, and the way Iwa looks away confirms that's what he'd been about to say. "I know, Iwa-chan. I know you do." And Tooru smiles. It feels like a small, shattered thing; a broken wing, trying to take flight. "Just not how I do." He steps closer. Hesitates for a second before enveloping Iwa into a hug. Lets himself breathe him in, feels how solid, how  _ dependable  _ he is. 

Iwa's shoulders shake. Tooru pretends he doesn't notice. 

"I'm sorry," Iwa whispers. "I'm — I'm so sorry." 

Tooru allows himself a moment of weakness. Gently presses his lips against the side of Iwa's head. Says, voice hoarse, "So am I." 

"I'm sorry," Iwa whispers again. "I wish — " He cuts himself off. 

Tooru laughs softly. Pretends his own vision isn't blurring. "Yes, Iwa-chan. Me, too." He looks up. Blinks away the tears and feels them fall down his cheeks, only to be replaced by more. Pinpoints the north star. A thing light years away, impossible to touch, but something to strive toward, anyway — something real. "I wish, too."

**Author's Note:**

> listen . l i s te n . i made myself sad writin this . but if yall want a happy ending pretend this is gonna turn into a cool fun poly relationship where akane n oiks r like platonic best buds who r just in love w iwa . iwa has TWO HANDS DAMMIT . 
> 
> ummmm yeah i have like . a bunch of iwaoi im workin on rn ??? a lot of it angst but i am DETERMINED to write fluff too bc THESE BOYS DESERVE IT . 
> 
> anywayyyyyyy thank u thank u for readingggg <3333 kudos n comments r always appreciated, n con crit is welcome!!!! 
> 
> come hang out w me on [twt](https://twitter.com/shrimpheavnnow) !!!!!!


End file.
